Do you want crust with that?

I’ve been working on part one of the journey ChatGPT set up for me on finding out what makes me happy.

Lately, I’ve been paying closer attention to those moments when I feel light, when I smile without realizing it, when I feel content and awake. I’ve started to notice patterns. I like being around people who want to do things. I like discovering new places. I like using my brain. I like driving. And I like people - real people, with energy, curiosity, and a sense of adventure.

Last weekend was a little a small awakening for me to what sparks joy. I took a long weekend to attend a family wedding in Texas, and my dad and his girlfriend came along. I found myself loving the planning: booking the tickets, renting the car, organizing all the details. That night, as we taxied down the runway and I looked out the window at the shrinking city lights behind us, a thought popped into my head: I’m happy right now.

It was simple. Quiet. True. I felt awake. I felt content.

But the real test, I realized, is whether I can feel that happiness on my own. I haven’t yet found a partner who wants to share these small adventures with me, so I’ve decided to take myself. My next trip will be solo - a long weekend, yet to be determined, but somewhere. Where I fly alone, I depend entirely on myself, do exactly what I want, and, most importantly, take the time to discover what I truly want.

I’ve been an all-or-nothing kind of person for most of my life. My mind always wanted a partner who was all in on someone to do everything with me. We’d tackle projects together, clean the house together, and plan trips together. Even the smallest things, like cooking dinner or folding laundry, going for a walk, felt better if we were side by side. I craved that total presence, that complete sharing of life.

But the truth is, I haven’t found that person. And I probably never will. Again, all-or-nothing.

So I’m trying something different now. I’m trying to be okay with small moments of connection instead of insisting on the all-or-nothing version. I am going to attempt a quick coffee with a friend, a conversation that lasts fifteen minutes, a walk with someone willing to be present for just a little while, maybe that can be enough.

I’ve also started paying attention to the sparks that exist just for me. Coffee on the front porch this morning, listening to music, petting my furry friend, Remi. Just me. Happy in that moment. Last weekend, crawling into that king-size bed in the hotel using all four pillows myself, sleeping sideways, doing my thing. Just me. Happy in that moment.

I am working on understanding that life doesn’t have to be a Nobel Peace Prize or the cover of Time magazine to matter. Happiness is noticing those sparks, permitting myself to follow them, and realizing that I don’t need someone else to hold the map. For the first time, I’m curious to see if those sparks shine just as bright when I’m the only one navigating my path. I can cut the crust off myself and choose not to eat it.