A Day I Had to Eat the Crust

This is the story of the day I had to Eat the Crust and put myself first — the day I found out my husband had cheated AGAIN. Is this sentence a little more dramatic than it should be? Absolutely. This wasn't a shock; it wasn't something new. The only difference this time was me - I was done. I knew I deserved more. I wanted more. It was betrayal layered on top of years of silenced doubts, overlooked red flags, and forgiveness I didn’t owe him. This was the moment I woke up, the moment I said, " I'm not eating the damn crust," and the moment I began to rethink my life and who I was.

Did my life change? Sure. Drastically? No. I had been living alone as a single mom for many years. Through the choices we both made, he had been working out of town for several years. I wouldn't recommend that for anyone's marriage. It's the opposite reason why most people marry. They marry each other to be together, to hang out, to be home with. I had checked out because he wasn't around and there was a list a mile long of other checkboxes I had to take care: kids, chores, the house, groceries, my job, the vehicles, the bills, the laundry, the dishes, the meals, the cleaning, the driving, the homework, the concerts and sport events, the birthday gifts and parties, the Christmas gifts, the Easter baskets, my family and his family. So when the check box for a spouse moves to the bottom, it is easy to never get to. I had my family, my friends, my sisters, and my “ball busters” for support when I needed. I was angry, frustrated, sad, and relieved all at the same time. Most of those feelings were aimed at me. Anger that it happened again, frustrated that I continued to believe and trust in him, and sad that he could be happy with the family he had. After finding out my husband had cheated on me AGAIN, I had found out about another afair six years earlier. I had caught him that time with a text message to his phone from a side job (no pun intended) phone number. He had been working a side job in Little Falls that never seemed to pay. LOL. Again, He made all the promises then: I meant everything to him, he’d never hurt me or our girls, he loved me deeply. Blah, blah, blah. I swallowed it, forgave him, and stayed. I could back track more to when we were dating and he cheated, when we were first married, he cheated, and then there are all the others that maybe I don't know about but assume they exist.

Later, when I wanted to talk about his affairs, he snapped at me: “How long are you going to hold this against me?” And I thought, well, if I chose to forgive him and stay, maybe I shouldn’t keep bringing it up. In my head, I told myself, he’s right. If I’m going to forgive him, I need to trust him again. No checking his phone, no questioning where he is, just live like a trusting wife. So I did. I swallowed that hard, crumbly crust and didn’t look back.

I should have, but I didn’t. Why would I? I had forgiven him before, when we were dating and he had cheated, when we were living out of state and he didn’t come home after work most days because he was cheating, even the day I gave birth to our first daughter, when he showed up an hour and a half late. I didn't believe the flat tire story, but I didn't speak up either. Forgiveness had become my pattern.

But this time was different. I. was. done. He refused to move out, so I did. Thankfully, I had my family behind me, and I moved in with my sister. This was it. No more forgiveness. I went into survival mode. I needed to be there for our girls, I needed my girls to see that I could be strong and let them see WE can be strong and independent. I needed to find a full-time job, I need to get my student loans paid off because, of course, as a couple we deferred those so we could pay other bills because someday "we" would pay them. I needed to start a new retirement account because, of course, we had closed mine a few years prior. Why? Because “when the kids grow up, we’ll retire on his.” I didn’t need to worry. Yeah, right.

My biggest regret? Never finishing my degree and building my own career. Keeping my bills a priority, keeping my retirement a priority, because no matter how in love you are, no matter how many times someone says, “I’ll take care of you, it’s ours, don’t worry” the day you call him out for cheating is the day it suddenly becomes, “That’s mine, that's yours.”

So yes, betrayal breaks you. It leaves a heavy weight on your heart. It shakes your trust, makes you question your worth, and it takes far longer to repair yourself than it ever took for someone else to destroy you. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you’ll be “over it” in six months, or even two years, or when you meet someone new. Some days still feel as raw as that first day I found out.

But here’s what I learned: healing is possible, and it is up to you who you reach out to. My family and friends - I referred to them as 'Rainbows in My Clouds' - and that is exactly what they were to me. You need your people: your family, your friends, your co-workers, your bowling league team! And you need to remind yourself, day after day, that you are stronger than what you think you are.