I don't even know who I am...

Recently, I’ve felt a deep pull toward authenticity, toward finding meaning and purpose that goes beyond the surface routines most of us, myself included, tend to accept. I remember feeling this same restlessness back in the early 2000s, wondering: Is this it? Is this all life has to offer? I wanted to believe I was put here to do something bigger, something that mattered, not just live in the cycle of work, eat, sleep, repeat.

I call it my soul asking for more, my body feeling a natural vibration, a frequency, or just consciousness stirring within, but I’ve known and felt for a long time that I need more.

A year or so ago, I went to the Bell Museum with my daughter, where we watched a short documentary about a forest in Italy. In that forest grow special trees, used to make violins. In winter, someone walks through the woods, striking each tree with a wooden mallet. Every tree resonates differently, and from that sound, they decide which ones will become instruments. That stayed with me because I think people are like those trees. Each of us gives off a vibration, an energy, something unique that no one else can replicate. Some people have the gift to feel another person's energy, and it can be overwhelming at times. It’s like a mystical language; I’m sure there’s science behind it. And for me, that vibration shows up in how I love, how I create, how I care, and in the little details I notice that others might miss.

Still, it’s hard to watch how many people, again, myself included, move through life not really living, just getting by, numbing themselves, surviving. My mom used to talk about a loneliness inside her that she could never quite name. Maybe it was her soul telling her she needed more. She spent her life taking care of everyone else, even in her final months, when she was busy organizing keepsakes for her grandchildren instead of resting. She never permitted herself to just be.

I have also seen people find peace, even joy, in the simplest routines: in their work, in parenting, in gardening, in faith. When those things carry meaning, they become sacred. I love my girls, my family, my friends, and my job. And yet, I can’t shake the feeling that there’s still more out there for me.

The truth is, when we don’t find meaning in our daily tasks, we shouldn’t settle. I think I did. For years, I lived in routines for others, helping people chase their dreams, supporting others while they advanced their careers, and putting mine on hold, creating experiences for my kids, to show them all that life can offer. And somewhere along the way, I lost track of myself. Now I ask: What does Jodi actually like? I don’t know. That realization hurts, but it also frees me. It tells me I can choose differently. I wasn’t born to play small, to follow blueprints that don’t fit me. I’m here to wake up, to create, to connect deeply, and to live in alignment with my own energy.

I don’t need to have it all figured out today. I just need to take one genuine step in my own direction. The weight of living for others has been heavy, but I’m finally ready to break free. And that readiness tells me I’m on the verge of something powerful.

At 53, I’m finally realizing: maybe I’ve never truly been myself. Maybe the masks I wore for others became my identity. But I don’t want to keep living like that. Over the next year, I’m setting out to discover who I really am and who I want to become.

When I asked ChatGPT where to start, it gave me a process to work through. I’m going to try it, step by step.

Step 1: Ask the Hard Questions

• What roles have I been stuck in? (Good daughter, provider, caretaker, spiritual conformist…)

• What beliefs have I inherited that no longer feel true? (“I must sacrifice myself for others,” “Work = worth,” “I have to believe this or else.”)

• Where have I said “yes” when I really meant “no”?

Step 2: Explore Who I Am Without All That

• If I had a year off, free of obligations, how would I spend it?

• What kinds of moments make me feel most alive?

• What types of people make me feel like myself?

• If I didn’t care what anyone thought, what would I start doing?

• What part of me have I been hiding that wants to come out?

Step 3: Make One Small Rebellion

• Say no to something I’d usually accept out of obligation.

• Try something I’ve been afraid of—even privately.

• Step back from people or spaces that expect me to be someone I’m not.

• Explore something new—spiritual, creative, relational, or physical—that lets me breathe.

Step 4: Create Something That’s Mine

• Journal, write letters I’ll never send, or keep a private document called My Real Life for dreams, values, questions, and visions.

• Paint, draw, cook, sing, dance—not to be good at it, but to reconnect with myself.

• Use this blog as a tool to find answers.

Step 5: Design My Own Compass

• Define my core values.

• Decide what makes life meaningful for me.

• Name how I want to be remembered.

Tomorrow, September 15th, I’ll begin asking these questions. I may not have the answers yet, but that’s okay. This is a reclamation—a process of remembering. An awakening of the parts of me I’ve buried for too long.

It’s time to find more of me.