Just sitting here by myself, eating the crust

Three years ago, I took a big leap of faith and applied for a job that wasn’t outside my skills or abilities but it was way outside my career comfort. I had worked in public education for almost 24 years. And the saddest part of that truth is this: after nearly 25 years with the same school district, I still didn’t make enough to comfortably support myself. There were no retirement savings. No savings account. Just a credit card with a balance for the months I came up short. I knew I couldn’t keep going like that.

So I took a chance. I risked change. It was scary, really scary, but something in me knew my abilities and knowledge deserved better pay. I think the people around me knew it, too. I just hadn’t believed in myself yet.

Three short years later, I've doubled my income and without having to have three jobs

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Fast forward to today. I took my daughter out, and we bought scones and $7.50 drinks. I bought myself two new pairs of shoes. And the best part wasn’t the shoes or the coffee, it was that I didn’t feel guilty about spending money. I actually had the money to do it.

I have an HSA account. A Roth IRA. A traditional IRA. Money in savings and money in my checking account. I even have a cushion. None of that would have happened if I hadn’t taken the chance to let someone take a chance on me.

I don’t know why self-love has always been so hard for me. I don’t feel like I grew up in a home that didn’t believe in me. I was never told not to try. And yet, I don’t remember a time when I didn’t doubt myself. What I do remember are certain moments scattered throughout my life when, for a brief moment, I believed in myself enough to make a change. Those moments have been life-defining.

The day I decided not to live as a victim of sexual abuse.

The day I decided I deserved a better husband.

The day I decided I deserved a better job.

The day I decided I could be alone and be ok.

Lately, I’ve noticed something. When I allow myself to believe in myself. When I do what I want, live how I want, and stop worrying about what others think, I’m happier. Calmer. More grounded. More me.

I’m still learning. Still reflecting. Still catching myself when my brain wants to go straight to doubt instead of trust. But I’m doing it. I’m not just standing still watching life happen around me.

For a long time, I thought I needed the whole perfect slice of life: the relationship, the approval, the security, the plan, before I was allowed to enjoy my life. However, sometimes the past is in storage, and the future feels uncertain. And you eat anyway.

You take the risk. You take the job. You buy the shoes. You sit with your thoughts. You choose yourself. You stop waiting for permission. You just eat the crust.

Because maybe the crust is where the strength is. The crust is what holds everything up. And the crust, it turns out, is enough.