When the Momentum Stops

January, February and March, felt like proof to me that my life was headed where I wanted it to go.

I felt confident in my choices

Hope was in my heart

Life felt full of possibilities and I was taking them

I could see it...

My new place

A yard

Rooms for my girls when they came to visit

New flower gardens to plant and enjoy

Unpacking my belongings from a year in storage and being excited with each box.

I felt confident at work

Building a team that was kind, supportive, and showing up for each other.

And then April, sigh...fucking April.

Dad....diagnosis of cancer

Appointments

Decisions

Coordinating

Guilt- leaving work for appointments

Guilt- not leaving work for those appointments.

House offer declined- followed right behind with the memory of the house I should have bought in January.

And tomorrow Jacque left us two years ago and the pain is still the same.

Like life saying, "Ope, just in case you're happy. Here you go."

Three days left, I'm sick, literally sick, tired and worn down.

Evening just feels heavy, to loud, to busy, to lonely, to quiet, like the annoying light bulb that flickers randomly, the annoying mosquito that shows up when you turn your light off for the night. Too Fucking Much.

Wishing I had someone to share all this with.

Not to fix it.

Not to solve it

Just sit with it next to me. To hold my hand or rub my back while I cry it out. That all, nothing big, thats not a lot to ask, right?

Because carrying everything alone weighs differently on me.

So I guess April is, Eat the Crust month.

The part I don’t really want.

The part that feels dry, hard, and unnecessary.

But I guess I'll eat it anyway

because I guess that's life or part of it.

Because I was taught not to waste.

Because sometimes finishing what’s in front of you matters more than enjoying it.

April feels like the crust.

Not what I would have chosen.

Not the part I was excited about.

Like the two lonely pieces left in the bread bag.

But it’s still part of my life.

And so my strength right now isn’t about loving it.

It’s just about staying in it.

Taking the next bite.

Showing up for the appointments.

Holding the line at work the best I can.

Letting myself feel tired without turning it into failure.

Maybe this is what people don’t talk about enough

How quickly momentum can break.

How confidence can unravel.

How life doesn’t wait until you’re ready.

Just SLAP!

But also…

Maybe strength isn’t always the version of me that was thriving in January.

Maybe strength right now looks like me in my jammies and robe, eating top the tater with ripple chips at 7 pm in my bed all by myself.

So tomorrow I shall rise ready for:

Eating the crust.

Showing up anyway.

Caring anyway.

Even when it’s hard.

Even when it’s lonely.

Even when it doesn’t feel like the life I was just starting to build.

I don’t have any idea what May will bring.

I guess...

Some months raise you up.

Some months hand you the crust.